BALI NINE RINGLEADERS ANDREW CHAN AND MYURAN SUKUMARAN ARE BOTH AWAITING EXECUTION FOR THEIR ROLE IN A 2005 DRUG BUST
. PICTURE: BINTORO LUKMAN S SUPPLIED
Speaking for the first time since he filed for clemency in May - his last hope of being saved from a firing squad - the 28-year-old conceded there are moments that he goes to a very dark place.
"Definitely, definitely, I think about what lies ahead," he told AAP today.
It's his Christian faith, he says, that helps him overcome those darkest of thoughts.
"It's at the next step," he said.
"Obviously it plays in the back of your mind but at the end of the day, the best that I can do is have a positive outlook and keep my faith up, not just in God, but in my legal team."
Chan and the eight other members of the so-called Bali Nine, some of whom were teenagers when they were caught, was convicted of drug smuggling following the 2005 attempt to courier more than 8kg of heroin from Bali to Australia.
They received sentences ranging from 20 years in the case of Renae Lawrence - the only female member of the group - to death.
Along with Myuran Sukumaran, Chan is the only other member still facing execution after Scott Rush had his death sentence commuted to life in prison last year.
Chan and Sukumaran rely on clemency from Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono if they are to have their lives spared.
"The only thing that we can do is pray and ask for a second chance," Chan said.
"The toughest thing that plays on our minds is the effect on our families, it obviously affects our families and takes a toll."
He has turned his time inside Bali's notorious Kerobokan jail to helping others - taking a leading role in educating fellow prisoners and improving himself.
Chan says he's a better person now.
"Not only do you have a lot of time to reflect on yourself, you reflect on the effect of your actions on others," he said.
"Hopefully the president will see that. That we are rehabilitating ourselves."
For Sukumaran, it's family also that weighs heavily on his mind.
"I'm very stressed. It's very hard to sleep," he said from behind the bars at the entrance to his cell block.
"The only thing that is keeping me going is my family."
Sukumaran lodged his clemency application in July.
"It's our last chance," he said.
Indonesia has not executed anyone since 2008, and the timeline in terms of when a decision will be made regarding Chan and Sukumaran's clemency applications is unclear.
Until then, they will remain as two of the 114 people on death row in Indonesia.
There is also no guarantee that Dr Yudhoyono will make the decision, with sources close to the president saying it may be left to the next administration, which would come into office after elections in 2014.